Dear Friend:

It doesn’t matter how much of a Mickey fan you are, there are moments that almost all of us have hated being in Disney World. One of mine was many, many years ago on the monorail at about 1 am. My daughter was a little over two years old, and still breast-feeding (remember, I am the Wilderness Princess). There were more people on the monorail than inhabit the state of Alabama, and she started screaming “Boobie! Boobie, mommy Boobie!”  Over and over. Over and over for 20 minutes. It was shrill, loud, annoying, and yes, embarrassing. If you were on the monorail that night, you remember how much you hated me, and I now apologize. I was in a personal hell, and wanted to be as far from that f—king Happy Place as I could.

Nowadays, if I tell some of my friends and colleagues that I am going to Disney World, they look at me as though they have lost a large margin of respect for me.

“Why? Why don’t you just go to your condo on the beach?”

“Oh my god. I would rather take a bullet.”

“But your kids are grown up. What will you do there? Ride a bunch of rides and eat junk food?”

“That is so not you. You don’t hang with the masses like that. I mean you are kidding, right?”

It seems that the world is divided into three types: those who do Disney, those who don’t, and the closet-Disney people.

BuzzFeed writer Donna Dickens, warned of 16 horrible secrets at Disney World in her 2013 article describing nightmares of a WDW trip. “Fastpasses turn everyone into douchebags,” and “Disney is a queue troll master” (the lines appear much shorter than they are). . And Catherine of the Diapers on the Plane blog is right-on when she observes the special-event trap, constant construction and excrutiating bus waits.

I agree with all of this. All of it. But my argument is that you hate Disney because you are doing it the regular way – the way travel agents and mommy bloggers and other super-planners are telling you.

Let’s look at the primary problems you are likely having with Disney, and rethink them a bit. Okay, let’s rethink them a lot.

Money

There is no doubt that Disney is expensive. You can possibly stay with your family on the beach for a month for the same price that Disney costs for a week. So let’s go ahead and eliminate half of that. One of the largest expenses are park tickets. There is no way that I would buy four-day passes any more. You only need two days. And when you only do two days, you are going to solve a lot of the rest of your problems.

The second biggest expense is lodging. If you have little kids who want the Disney experience, consider the value resorts. Of course, my favorite by far is the Fort Wilderness campgrounds if you have a larger family. If you don’t have a camper, you can rent one and it will be delivered. A third option is to stay off property for a fraction of the cost. Now, that you’ve cut your costs in half, let’s reduce them further. Avoid depending on Disney for all of your meals. Cook at your campsite or suite, and go out to eat off property.

The fine folks at Daily Disney Dime have a lot of tips on specific resorts outside of Fort Wilderness and beyond.

Not Getting Along

For some reason, people tend to have a lot of family arguments at Disney World. There are these expectations of pure magic that get interrupted by 2-hour lines, 100 degree heat, hangry children, and pushy, shovey strangers. Note that these arguments tend to happen or start inside the parks. Now, go back to the Money topic above – see, this is another reason we are only going to the parks two days. Instead, we are going to relax at the campground, the pool, Disney Springs, a cool Disney bar, or perhaps take a day trip.

Crowds

You will encounter the worst of the crowds on your way to and from the parks, and inside the parks. Your hotel will be okay most of the time in terms of crowds. Your campsite in Fort Wilderness will be way better. So, the two days that we do plan going to parks are the only two days that we’re going to have a major plan. We want to get to the parks at least 30 minutes early. It is during that first hour that you will be able to ride a lot of rides, and then hopefully you will have made your fast passes for late morning or early afternoon. Go ahead and give yourself permission now to get out of the park by 2pm. If you are having fun, then stay. If not, then call it a day or come back later.

Lack of authenticity

You’re a bit of an intellectual snob, and prefer real people in real places, rather than contrived experiences, and what you refer to as “fake countries.” This is another point for Fort Wilderness, where you are at least in the middle of the original, old Florida swampland, with multiple opportunities to explore in near solitude.

Luckily, we don’t have to go too far to find cool towns and farms near Central Florida. One of my favorites is tiny Dunnellon. It is not a hipster town, but has one of the most stunning springs in Florida. To visit a working farm, head to Southern Hill Farms (March-November) to pick your own blueberries. To hang out in the cool neighborhoods where the stylish-nerd locals go, head to Thornton Park or downtown Winter Garden.

If you don’t want to leave the World, consider going to one of two extraordinary places to have a drink – Geyser Point (Wilderness Lodge) and Trader Sam’s (Polynesian). Each of these are among my favorite places to have a drink anywhere (and for very different reasons), and I usually come across a lot of interesting, like-minded people here.

Exhaustion

Remember those two parks days you’re going to have? Well, they are going to put at least 20,000 steps on your Fitbit in just a few hours. Your feet will hurt. They may have blisters. This is why it is critical that you take blister pads and wear fabulous shoes. To get off your feet and relax, hit rides like Soarin’, Carousel of Progress, and the People Mover. The Disney parks have a stunning lack of park benches and standard places to sit. Beyond those two park days, let’s don’t plan anything at all. Let’s sleep til the day wakes us up, and then take it as it comes.

Annoying Disney People

Oh the fussy mothers and their little children with their custom ears and I-want-more whines. The overabundance of vloggers blocking every path and some uncouth ones even sprawling out on the rocking chairs at Pioneer Hall – geez. The very poorly behaved troop of Boy Scouts who just hijacked your bus. So, we can’t make them go away, but we can have fun photo-bombing them, audio-bombing them, and tweeting about them. We can even take pictures without showing their faces and share those as well. Let’s make it a fun game, and give out points for how many we can find. #annoyingdisneypeople

The Heat

This goes back to all of the others. Don’t make the parks the center of your experience, and get there early. Disney has wonderful swimming pools – use them.

Getting from Point a to Point B

After that first ride on the monorail of any given trip, it suddenly seems to take forever to get anywhere. On a recent trip, we made it to the Contemporary and were headed for Fort Wilderness, and were expecting the usual 10-20 minute wait. Well, there was a special event going on, and the boats were being used. We waited well more than one hour to get across the pond. Remember Lyft! It’s fast, easy and costs very little. There’s even a polka-dotted Minnie Van that will pick you and five of your comrades up for a flat fee of $25, but you need to start with something a little less Disney-obvious.

And now for the results . . . 

Around day two or three of doing all of these things, you may stop and realize that you are actually having a swell time. You are already wanting to go back to Trader Sam’s, and you’ve discovered that going through the loops in a rented golf cart in Fort Wilderness is like the party you’ve been looking for all your life.

You’ve started reading the book you brought with you, and your tweets about those #annoyingdisneypeople have gotten a collective 28 likes. You find yourself humming Zip-A-Dee-Doh-Dah, and not worrying that somebody noticed. As you look for what Fort Wilderness loop you’d like to request on your next trip, you ponder whether purchasing DVC points might be worth it. Jolted by such a thought, you decide instead to research purchasing a camper.  After all, you’ll need to come back for the kids and grandkids, right?