Keeping Your New Year's Resolutions at Fort Wilderness (Parody)

Just thinking about a trip to Disney’s Fort Wilderness likely makes us wonder how we’ll ever stick to those New Year’s Resolutions. But before you give up, just think of the hidden opportunities to lose weight, eat healthier, stop swearing, or just be a better person. Indeed, if you are serious about being a better you in 2020, there’s no better place to be than Fort Wilderness.

Getting in Shape at Fort Wilderness

Well, obviously getting in 20,000 steps at the Fort is a no-brainer on any given day. Unless you have melted into the seat of a golf cart, it’s going to take some time to walk to the pool, the comfort station, or the boat to the Magic Kingdom. But let’s go a little further.

Chalk every single campsite in Fort Wilderness. Seriously, go big or go home. Bonus if you can achieve all 847 in six hours. Double bonus if it rains, and you start over.
Instead of waiting for the busses, consider taking a rugged hike through the swamps to Epcot or Animal Kingdom. You can pick up your Davy Crockett hat at the Settlement Trading Post.
Take responsibility for the cleanliness of your loop with a daily broom sweeping of the main drive. Bonus for organizing and dusting (OCD-style) the outdoor areas of neighbors when they are at the park.

Replace Cuss Words with Friendly Fort Words

Forget about the cussing money jar. Next time the devil gets your goat, start practicing with these replacement words. You’ll be a Forting Wonder in just a few hours.

Chip. Use this one instead of the word that describes what a bear does in the woods. Oh Chip! I think we missed the last boat back to the Fort.
Fort. Replace this one for the F-Bomb. There is no forting way I can eat another Mickey Waffle.
Son of a Bobcat. Loop 2100 is named Bobcat Bend. That son of a bobcat bus driver nearly ran over my mother-in-law.
Swimmin’ Hole. Great name for a husband who sometimes acts like an a-hole. Every time you drink those Gullywhumpers, you turn into one big giant swimmin’ hole!

Healthy eating, clean living at the fort

Don’t be discouraged by the sight of a Sysco truck pulling up behind Pioneer Hall. There’s plenty of creative ways for you to spend a delightful week at Fort Wilderness without a morsel of processed or sugar-laden food.

Make s’mores with homemade hummus and a piece of kale sandwiched between two cucumber slices. Never miss another campfire show again due to your pesky dietary restrictions.
Pay full price for brunch at Trail’s End Buffet, but only eat raw foods. Take lots of instagram pictures to show the world your minimalistic plate.
Hold a contest with neighbors in your loop to see who can make the best vegan pizza without any cheese or crust.
Missing the fun of your drunken Fort nights? Have a t-shirt made that says “Alcohol Patrol.” Walk around the loops looking for drinkers and take notes about them on a clipboard. Bonus points for whistling “Ballad of Davy Crockett” along the way.

Be a Good person at Fort Wilderness

You know that kindness will come back to you (it may not be this year, though). Put yourself out there with some good deeds, and feel bathed in sunshine and peace.

When things get busy at Trail’s End, give the waiters a hand. Just grab the tea and water pitchers and give everybody a refill.
Paint rocks promoting your favorite presidential candidate and place them around the campground. You can save America one campground at a time.
Join every Fort Wilderness Facebook page (including ours), and sugar-bomb them for 12 hours with inspirational quotes from Mr. Rogers, Mary Poppins, and ~~Melania Trump~~ Richard Simmons.