This morning, The Disney Company surprised its fans when it completely eliminated smoking, including vaping, in all of its parks in the United States. Previously, there had been designated smoking areas in each park, typically in out-of-the-way places. The news came early – even before people on the West Coast had even had their morning smokes. It appeared to delight the majority of people on social media, who recited the dangers of smoking (Walt Disney himself died of lung cancer), the health concerns associated with second-hand smoke, and a general sense that smoking is among the most distasteful of habits.
The LA Times (March 2019) reported that the measure was due to expected increased crowds, although it is unclear how removing the smoking sections will actually change traffic patterns. Then again, if all of the 16 percent of Floridian adults who admit to smoking (CDC, 2018) stop visiting the parks, then perhaps a little room opens up for the upcoming deluge of Jedis.
According to its website (updated today), Disney will designate smoking areas outside of each park’s entrance, yet there is no word as to whether a Dole-whip flavored Nicorette will be offered in the gift shops. This comes on the heels of new bans on large strollers (wider than 31 inches) and the dreaded loose ice in coolers.
These bans are really just the low-hanging fruit. While Disney continues to demonstrate its dedication to improving the guest experience, we are hopeful that more bans are forthcoming in April on these 10 ugly items and vile behaviors.
Cell Phone Use in Sit-Down Restaurants
This seems like a really good idea as I have not talked to any family members during a meal since 2006. However, a caveat might be in order. Perhaps, people could take just one little one picture of their food (but not their children) when it arrives so that Instagram continues to thrive.
Edible Ponchos
These are designed to fend off hanger when the food lines get too long. I have actually never seen one, but banning these will ease my crippling fear of coat lickers.
Jumpsuits
I realize that these have not been in vogue for decades, but it is critical that we act now to prevent their return to Disney Parks. I recall in the late 1970s – there might have only been 50 people in FantasyLand, but the bathroom line had 22 people. This is because it took each person six extra minutes to go potty in a one-piece.
Noisy Eating
This is the most egregious behavior on this list. Prior to going through the security check points, Disney should give out free samples of The Grey Stuff. People who manage to make crunching sounds should be denied entrance. This will seriously be a lot of people.
Mosquitos
This is really more of an annoyance in Fort Wilderness than in the parks. Of course, WDW has an unusually low number of mosquitos due to its already-Herculean efforts to minimize them. But mosquitoes kill about 1 million people per year, compared to about 150,000 for lung cancer – so we must have ZERO TOLERANCE. Roaches, on the other hand, are much nicer than most people realize. They are the bacteria scavengers, and go around cleaning up all of the zillions of microscopic germ men that roam free-range around the parks. So, think twice before you squish or flush your free housekeeper.
Blue Alcoholic Beverages
To me, this is like drinking blue milk – it just goes against Mother Nature, and I wonder if people who drink too many blue drinks throw up blue stuff when they get sick. And blue throw up definitely leads to global warming, which is actually a very serious concern for those among us who like Earth.
The word “moist”
This is a gift to my friend Sister Pluto, who has not been seen in public for months after she spied a particular type of Duncan Hines cake mix in Kroger. So now, we will say, “Oh this turkey leg is so claggy.” Or “are those wet wipes still dewy?” The Wave Lounge in The Contemporary Resort can be set aside as a Free Speech zone for moist-lovers. We can change the name to the Moist Mist Lounge.
People who say “awesome” more than twice per hour
Please just stop talking and start reading those books that were assigned to you in the summer after 7th grade. How many times do we need to go over this?
Wearing of sandals or Crocs with socks
The main problem with this is that it goes in the category of extreme visual disturbances. And visual disturbances have been proven to set off chemicals in the brain that make people nervous and desperately crave cigarettes. We can avoid a sudden mad rush to the smoking sections by the entrances if we just deal with this proactively.
Voting
My family sometimes engages in the insane practice of voting when deciding where to eat in Disney Parks. Disney must put a stop to this. After all, the word Kingdom in Magic Kingdom is there for a reason – it is not a democracy. And we all know about the myriad of problems associated with elections in Florida. So, from now on, Mama will decide where to eat.